I’m Not Cut Out For This Life, I Need a New One…

Taken by @d.balaskophotography

Forget about having a case of the Monday’s…
I have a case of a creative being suffocated in a noncreative environment!

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Flashback to Friday for a second, it was 9:30am. I was at work and I was filled with restlessness. Restless like I could’ve run a marathon, written a novel and finished 10 paintings! Yet I was stuck at work. In the dirty, itchiness that is an insulation factory. Glamorous. Not to mention that a few hours later, someone asked me to do something and it instantly put me in a crappy mood.

Here it comes again. That arrogant and pessimistic attitude that used to surface as soon as I walked in my customer service job after 6 years. That mood that makes me hate everything and everyone. That “don’t tell me what to do” mood. That mood where I’ll talk back to my superiors and anyone who tests that nerve. That feeling like I’m just a cog in a machine and I have infinitely more potential to create beautiful things and make something of myself but I’m caged here. Terrified that this is what my life is going to be.

—

Now back to this morning.

Back to feeling the sudden blow of reality after an amazing weekend. I was so aware of how little I think I’m capable of handling this environment any more. I never usually take breaks, but this morning I did…

As I sat there I thought to myself, “how did I get here?”
Well I mean, I know how I got here. I was unemployed in 2016 when I got back from a trip to France and after zero luck with acting I had no choice but to sign up with a temp agency that ultimately landed me at Amazon and then here…

I mean how did I get here…
Here, in this mindset…
Here, where I walk into work and feel both mentally and physically violated by some of the people I work with and the environment I’m in…
Here, in these ugly green shirts and uncomfortable canvas pants that are halfway down my ass and chaffing my thighs and making me sweat in winter(don’t even get me started on how they feel in the summer when you don’t have AC indoors)…
Here, in this stagnant day to day work that sucks the life from me and ultimately leaves me having to go open a door by our product wrapper and stick my head outside in the -15° weather just to feel a rush of fresh air in my lungs because I can’t breathe and it feels like the walls are closing in around me…

How did I get here?

—

I almost walked out. I’ve never done that before…
If I even miss half a day of work, my paycheque is too tight to manage my bi-weekly bills. I literally can barely afford to call in sick!

I started getting lost in thoughts of bloggers, YouTubers, artists, photographers and the likes of those people who work for themselves. People who work on their own schedules (though I’m sure are filled with personal and professional deadlines). People who get to flex their creative soul as their profession!

From there it escalates to thoughts of actors and musicians (both fields I studied in post-secondary school. But the reasons I’m not currently pursuing either of these is a post for another day) and then I’ll go even further to just thinking about winning the lottery. Anything to get me out of there.

But the truth is, I could literally be doing anything else.
If I put in the effort required, which I seldom do, it would seem.
I could go back to school if I wanted to. I should be making connections and building relationships and working towards the creative things I enjoy.
*I already make YouTube videos and this is the restart on my blog, both of which are fields that everyone seems to want to venture into these days so they’re incredibly difficult*

I’m almost 26. My life is nowhere near over. I can literally create an entirely new life out of thin air if I wanted to. I can make choices to reshape my future at any given moment.

One of my best friends shared this text post on facebook that said:
“Six months of hardcore focus and alignment can put you five years ahead in life. Don’t underestimate the power of consistency and desire. You have what it takes to be the best that you can be. Don’t ever doubt yourself, harness your power, exceed your expectations.”

That’s all I need to close out my jumbled Monday thoughts.

Or as Britney said, “You better work b*tch”

-J

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